Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
