SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
that's an acceptable place to lick
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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