I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Randomize
