Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
