my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
