Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
