I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
