You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
