Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
