I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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