But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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