I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
