Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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