Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Too much gin, very little bucket
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You need Xanax blowdarts
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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