did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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