I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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