She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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