I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
