Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
