I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
