My room smells like vodka and shame
Do you still have your period?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
