Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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