I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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