Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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