Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
