i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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