Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
