When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
