Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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