i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
