Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
