I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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