i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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