I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
