I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
