when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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