Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
