Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
