Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
