You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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