I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
