my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
