R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
