The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
