If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
