I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
