my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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