I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
