I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
