Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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