There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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