DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
