Joe is yelling at the trees again.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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