Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
