I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
