I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
