Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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