you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
