One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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