i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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